The Light Beyond: Requiem for a rabbit

From the ever-wonderful Michael Neill: Just before I boarded the flight back to LA this morning, I got a call from my wife with some news - our rabbit, Biggie Tupac Jr. (he was a hip-hop bunny) was attacked in the garden in the night by some wild animal or another and died. The kids were crying in the background, and after a few quick words with my five year old daughter, who proudly assured me that they were all sad, even her, I strapped in to my seat and switched off my phone.

All flight long I've been wondering about what to say to them when I get home. Do I commiserate with their sorrow and agree that this is terrible, awful and bad? Truth be known, I was never a huge fan of the rabbit, but I certainly don't think his was a pleasant demise.

Do I help apportion blame?

Do I trot out the "death is a natural part of life" speech in hopes that somehow they'll just "get over it"?

Do I run out and buy them a new rabbit, in a "please don't be sad I can't stand it if you're sad I want us all to be happy, happy, happy" kind of way?

After several hours of contemplation at 30,000 feet, I've concluded the real questions is less what I will ultimately do or not do than why I would be doing it. If I think my kids' beautiful, delicate souls can't handle the realities of a sometimes harsh and hostile world, I will look for ways of "making it all OK". If I think my kids need to toughen up and prepare themselves for the realities of life and death, I will show little empathy for their sorrow and make sure they know that "people (and rabbits) die - that's just the way it is."

But the reality is, I think my kids are capable and able and wise beyond their years. (I also think this is true of you, and your partner, and your parents, and your kids, and even your cousin Bob who's always seemed a bit hopeless - but more on that later.)

And since I really believe this about my kids, the only thing I need to do is create an atmosphere of love, understanding and trust and allow them to find their own way and discover their own answers. Perhaps Oliver will suggest a burial in the garden, and Clara will lead the ceremony. Maybe there will be an unofficial "family council" at dinner where the relative merits of a new rabbit can be discussed. It may even be that the kids will have already made their peace before I arrive.

Now all this begs one very important question - how do you create an atmosphere of love, understanding and trust with your children?

Here are my top three tips:

*You create an atmosphere of love for your kids by being in a state of love when you're with them - moment by moment by moment. It's all well and good knowing intellectually that you love them, but when you're broadcasting anger, frustration, apathy, sadness or pain, they're living for that moment in an environment of anger, frustration, apathy, sadness or pain.

*You create an atmosphere of understanding by recognizing the impersonal in the personal and the abstract in the specific - that while you may not love rabbits, you know what it is to love, and while you may not be too bothered about the death of a long-eared hopping rodent, you probably know what it is to lose something you love.

*You create an atmosphere of trust by trusting them and giving them the space to make mistakes - in the same way the mother bird trusts that when she pushes her babies out of the nest, they'll "discover" their wings and learn that they can fly.

This will work to bring out the best in your children and it will work to bring out the best in anyone. And by taking the time to create this atmosphere in your own wonderfully imperfect way, something wonderfully perfect can happen - your kids begin to thrive, you remember how much you enjoy your partner's company, your parents stop treating you like a child, and your cousin Bob finally gets a job and pays you back that money he owes you... :-)

PS - While I wrote the majority of this tip on the plane, I'm finishing it off at home now that the kids have gone to bed. We did indeed have a little bunny funeral, at Clara's prompting and with Maisy's delightful assistance. There is now a small brick in the back of our garden covered in little girl hearts with the following words inscribed in black magic marker to "mark" our rabbit's resting place for all eternity:

=============================
Here lies Biggie Tupac Jr. - 2004 - 2007
We'll really miss him!
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Comments

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Posted by: Karoly Domonyi | October 27, 2007 at 08:49 PM