Bianca's story: trying to cope with tragedy at a young age

Our reader Bianca wrote in recently with her moving story: "I'm 21 years old and to this very day I think about what might have been... when I was 18 my boyfriend was in a very bad car accident. Ever since then my whole life has changed, I'm not the same person I once was. Some days I know that I will be fine and everything is gonna be ok, but there are other days that I just want to die, and I ask myself why me, why him... is that selfish of me? Sometimes I just know that I cannot go on any longer.. I don't want to feel this way but I can't change the way my life has turned out! My heart yearns to see him again... I never knew that my heart could ache as much as it does... it's a pain that I cannot even begin to explain. I could go on and on because I have no one else who wants to listen or at least that's how I feel. It's hard to try to talk to someone who has yet to experience anything like this because they don't wanna hear it or they don't know what to say... when most of the time I don't need someone to say anything, all I needed was someone to listen to me."

Here is my response - perhaps other readers will also find it helpful:

"I am so very sorry for your loss. As always, it is difficult to know what to say; but please believe me when I tell you that you will not always feel like this.

To paraphrase a recent forum post of mine: it sounds like you are having suicidal thoughts, and I would say that perhaps you need to find a good counselor quickly. Could you make it your task for today to find a good counselor in your area, or at least make a few phone calls and start looking? There is lots of help out there. You just have to ask for it.

If you are ever feeling extremely suicidal, then please read this page: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ It only takes about 5 minutes.

As someone who spent a good ten years feeling suicidally depressed but has now made a full recovery, I know that recovery is possible. No matter how hard the circumstances. No matter what the cause. There will come a time when you feel genuinely happy to be here. Please believe me. Think of all the people you have yet to meet, all the experiences you could still experience, all the pets who you could look after and love, think of your friends and family and how much they would miss you, and hang onto every little thing that keeps you going. Hang in there.

Why not join the Light Beyond bereavement forum (it's free and quick to join) and post there to get advice and support from other members? Reading other people's posts there is also helpful...

Re. talking to people - I think many people would not realise that it is enough just to listen. Perhaps tell them what you need from them, i.e. someone to listen to you, and that they are not required to come up with 'solutions'. I think this is what people feel expected to come up with, which is why they feel awkward around people who are grieving, as of course there is no 'solution' or magic fix. Try telling your friends what you need from them and see if this helps.

May you find the peace you seek and the strength to cope with this tragedy. I am thinking of you. Hang in there, go easy on yourself, and get support from everywhere you can find it. There is no point in pretending to be strong at a time like this." Lucie