The Light Beyond

Be gentle with yourself

I think it's important to be gentle with yourself, no matter what you are feeling. Bereavement is a process, not an event; it’s your grief, your process, and you have a right to do it your way. And of course your feelings and emotions will vary greatly depending on who has died, and the manner of their passing.

For example, when someone has died a long, lingering death, it's perfectly natural to feel relief. Relief that your loved one isn't suffering any more. Relief that you’re not suffering any more. Relief that the whole ordeal is over and a sense of normality can slowly creep back into your life.

If you have watched a loved one die a protracted death, remember that relief is as normal a feeling as grief and try to be gentle with yourself as you deal with all your mixed emotions.

Some thoughts on grief

The Light Beyond’s motto is ‘Helping you through bereavement, one step at a time’ but of course what we’re really talking about here is loss. Similar principles apply to losses of all kinds – the loss of your health, your marriage, your relationship, your job, your freedom or your independence, for example, as well as the loss of a loved one through their passing.

Whatever the loss you have suffered, I wish I had magic words to say that would take the grief and sadness away, but of course I don't. Nobody does. All I can do is point out a few things which it is helpful to remember when you are grieving. I'll do so in the next few posts.

Hands Together, Heart to Art children's summer camp in Chicago, IL

My name is Susan Urasky, I'm the camp registrar for Hands Together, Heart to Art run out of the Auditorium Theatre of Roosevelt University, a non-profit organization.

I wanted the Light Beyond's readers to know about Hands Together, Heart to Art which is a summer camp in Chicago, IL that celebrates the healing power of creative play. It is an arts initiative for children ages 7-14 who have experienced the death of a parent. This is a two week day camp with the low tuition cost of only $50 and scholarships are available. The campers take part in music, dance, and drama classes daily along with grief counseling to help facilitate their healing process. For more information, please visit www.hthta.org or call the program at 312.922.2110 ext 303. Thank you, Susan Urasky.

Are you still there?

The talented paulmot on the Light Beyond bereavement forum recently posted this moving poem he wrote after the death of his father:

Are you still there?

9 weeks have passed by
Your life issues nearly completed
Your affairs coming to conclusions
You have left us here, rudderless

You gave us direction
you supplied us affection
You handed us reflection

You made us as we are
You gave us what we have
You prepared us to be strong

You set us upon our way
you guided us along the way
You chided us in our ways

I hope you are being directed
I hope you are being prepared
I hope you are on your way

I hope you know
You are still here
You are in all of us

__________________
We must pass the tests set for us to move to the next level.

Moving up is crucial to the well being of us all

Take all suicide threats seriously

There's a myth that people who talk about suicide won't actually do it, so many well-meaning people ignore them or accuse them of attention-getting or manipulation.

But it's important to remember that most people who commit suicide told at least one person about what they were thinking of doing. Take all suicide threats seriously. While you can't make choices for another person or force them to get help, let them know that you're there and that you'll support them in finding the help they need.

A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss

This book is a widow's journey through loss, grief and renewal. It is the author's personal struggle following the illness and death of her husband of twenty years. This story deals with a family's grief and the challenges faced by those left behind. It is a journey familiar to many in today's society where one spouse outlives the other. Despite challenges that arise when things fall apart, loss can help us uncover our own strength, purpose and dignity. This is a tribute to survival and renewal as loved ones redefine the family unit, minus one.

Personally, I found A Journey Well Taken to be an honest, courageous and ultimately uplifting account of one woman's journey through the uncharted territory of bereavement. It will prove a great source of comfort and support for those traveling a similar path.

The Living Legacy of Integrity

When my father passed away last October, my mother, brother, and sister were all feeling quite distraught over the loss of a beloved husband and parent under seemingly sudden circumstances. Amidst the hurried preparations for a quick burial in accordance with our tradition, I scarcely had time to think, to do much else past taking care of urgently important details, making sure that my family and my father made the journey to the city in which his body would rest. Then came the service, and after seven days of Shiva, a time in which we are free of our daily responsibilities in order to fully mourn the loss that has occurred. This process was particularly therapeutic and thus healing for me and I truly appreciated the genius behind the creation of such a tradition.

Being able to fully mourn the loss of my father gave me the ability to slowly move back into the stream of life when the seven days were up, knowing that I further had the first 30 days after his death in which I might decline participating in joyous events that I might otherwise feel pressured to participate in, and then regret or resent. This had the unforeseen benefit of allowing me the time and space in which to not merely recover from the loss, but to appreciate the enormous impact and life lessons of being the child of this man.

Having just finished listening to Earl Nightingale speak of integrity on his recording, Lead the Field, I immediately thought of Dad, and the powerful example of integrity that he modeled for us. A survivor of the Holocaust, whose parents died in Auschwitz, my Dad spent those war years not merely surviving himself, but helping others to do so. After miraculously escaping one camp, he worked tirelessly to help others do the same, despite the constant risk to himself in doing so. After the war, he was determined to find his brothers and reunite the family, which he did indeed.

In 1949, escaping Czechoslovakia after it fell to the Soviets, he immigrated to America, where he refused any financial help, learned the language of his newly adopted country, and eventually worked his way up from salesman to president of his own company. The hallmark of his business life was integrity. He was fiercely loyal to family, scrupulously clean in his business dealings, and always looked out for his employees.

When my parents moved south to retire, Dad instead opened a small business and quickly developed a reputation for honest business dealings among the local minority population, who saw him, an "outsider", as someone they could trust to look out for their best interests in an area of business in which they were often taken unfair advantage of.

Before he died, my Dad fretted that he hadn't left us a fortune to share among ourselves. But as letters streamed in from his accountant, lawyers, business associates, and friends praising his life, I couldn't have felt richer.

Ellen Pollak Wilson

Ellen Pollak Wilson is releasing her first solo CD, Songs of Ascent, music intended to uplift, heal, and inspire. As a singer, teacher, writer, and coach, Ellen endeavors to help others to find their own voice in all matters. Visit her website at: www.ellenmwilson.com