The third stage of grief, according to Kübler-Ross, is bargaining. At this stage, the bereaved will promise almost anything in order to make life return to normal. It often involves promising to be a better person. For example, those who have lost a loved one might bargain with God: "I'll stop smoking if I can have him back!" Before a loss, it seems you will do anything if only your loved one may be spared. "Please God," you bargain, "I will never be angry at my wife again if you'll just let her live." After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. "What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others? Then can I wake up and realize it’s all been a bad dream?"
We become lost in a maze of "If only..." or "What if..." statements. We want life returned to what it was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening... if only, if only, if only... and guilt is often bargaining's companion. The "if onlys" cause us to find fault with ourselves and what we think we could or should have done differently.
As we move through the bargaining process, the mind alters past events while exploring all those "what if" and "if only" statements. The guilt people often experience after a death has a lot to do with the bargaining process. "If only I'd done X, then maybe he wouldn't have died" or "If we'd allowed the doctors to do Y, maybe we would have had a few more months with her." Sadly, the mind inevitably comes to the same sad conclusion... the tragic reality is that our loved one is truly gone.
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