Since death often ends relationships so abruptly, it's human nature to always wish you had done something differently. It may help to remind yourself that you did the best you could do, and that no matter how hard you try, some things will always be left unsaid and undone.
Try hard to forgive yourself, just as your loved one would most certainly forgive you.
Make sure you don’t avoid a grieving friend or relative because you are worried about being intrusive at a tough time. Our society teaches us to back away from mourners and give them time, when what most grieving people really want and need is some form of contact. Even if they're not up for a long talk, just hearing a friendly voice on the other end of the line can be enough to make a hard day seem more bearable.
In the words of one of the bereavement counselors who posts on our forum: “When I started working for hospice, I was surprised to find that our bereavement protocol requires us to call family members the very day after the loss. I was worried that it was intrusive. But in the entire time I've worked for hospice, I've never had a family member say that they wish I hadn't called. Usually what I hear is, "It's so good to talk to someone who will just listen." "Everyone else seems to be backing away." And even, "It's like people want to pretend she didn't exist."
That first phone call is so hard, but so important. Just do it…
The ever-helpful azaleaeight just posted this in the Light Beyond bereavement forum: "Moving on" isn't always as simple as we think it should be, and it often seems to take more time than most of us think it should. The article below addresses the not-so-black-and-white matters of moving on.
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-move-on-after-death-of-a-love-one_2
There's nothing you can say, really, no magic words to take the pain away. The best thing you can say is “I’m sorry.” Just be ready to listen and care. Don’t try to convince your friend that everything is "fine" or that their loved one is "better off." Listen quietly and validate how painful and sad the loss has been.
People who are grieving don't expect – or even want – for you to take their grief away. It is enough just to listen. You cannot be expected to come up with 'solutions'. I think this is what people feel expected to provide, which is why they feel awkward around people who are grieving, as of course there is no 'solution' or magic fix.
Listening and really hearing what another person has to say is so important, and it’s not always easy. But, if you can: don't just do something – sit there. It can be hard to sit and listen to someone in intense pain or someone struggling with life and death issues, but just listening and being a witness can help more than any advice you could possibly give.
Just as you have a right to grieve in your own way, so do the others around you. However, their way may be quite different from yours and this can cause all kinds of problems in relationships already straining at the seams following a traumatic loss.
It just goes back to grief being very individual, and respecting the path that someone else is on, even if their thoughts and feelings are very different from your own. They may not cry, for example, whilst you can hardly stop – it doesn’t mean that they don’t care, or that they aren’t grieving.
They are just coping with their loss in their own way.
I think it's important to be gentle with yourself, no matter what you are feeling. Bereavement is a process, not an event; it’s your grief, your process, and you have a right to do it your way. And of course your feelings and emotions will vary greatly depending on who has died, and the manner of their passing.
For example, when someone has died a long, lingering death, it's perfectly natural to feel relief. Relief that your loved one isn't suffering any more. Relief that you’re not suffering any more. Relief that the whole ordeal is over and a sense of normality can slowly creep back into your life.
If you have watched a loved one die a protracted death, remember that relief is as normal a feeling as grief and try to be gentle with yourself as you deal with all your mixed emotions.
This book is a widow's journey through loss, grief and renewal. It is the author's personal struggle following the illness and death of her husband of twenty years. This story deals with a family's grief and the challenges faced by those left behind. It is a journey familiar to many in today's society where one spouse outlives the other. Despite challenges that arise when things fall apart, loss can help us uncover our own strength, purpose and dignity. This is a tribute to survival and renewal as loved ones redefine the family unit, minus one.
Personally, I found A Journey Well Taken to be an honest, courageous and ultimately uplifting account of one woman's journey through the uncharted territory of bereavement. It will prove a great source of comfort and support for those traveling a similar path.
Mourning is, in the simplest sense, synonymous with grief over the death of someone. The word is also used to describe a cultural complex of behaviours in which the bereaved participate or are expected to participate. Customs vary between different cultures and evolve over time, though many core behaviors remain constant.
Wearing dark, sombre clothes is one practice followed in many countries, though other forms of dress are also seen. Those most affected by the loss of a loved one often observe a period of grieving, marked by withdrawal from social events and quiet, respectful behavior. People may also follow certain religious traditions for such occasions.
Mourning may also apply to the death of, or anniversary of the passing of, an important individual like a local leader, monarch, religious figure etc. State mourning may occur on such an occasion. In recent years some traditions have given way to less strict practices, though many customs and traditions continue to be followed.
"Listening and really hearing what another person has to say is so important. When I was going to school to get my social work degree, one of my professors used to say, "Don't just do something - sit there." It can be hard to sit and listen to someone in intense pain or someone struggling with life and death issues, but often I've found that just listening and being a witness helps more than any advice I could possibly give."
Valuable advice posted by the ever-helpful Calypso on The Light Beyond bereavement forum - thank you!
According to Kübler-Ross in On Grief and Grieving, the fifth stage of grief is acceptance. This is often confused with the notion of being alright or OK with what has happened, but this is not the case. Most people don't ever feel OK or alright about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.
Acceptance is not about liking a situation. It is about acknowledging all that has been lost and learning to live with that loss. Gradually, in your own time, you begin to find some peace with what has happened. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live, and according to Kübler-Ross this is where our final healing and adjustment can take a firm hold, despite the fact that healing often looks and feels like an unattainable state.
Once again a reminder that not everyone goes through these five stages of grief. They are responses that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.
To buy On Grief and Grieving and other helpful books on grief and loss, why not take a look at The Light Beyond bereavement bookstore?
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