The Light Beyond

Daughter of Suicide

It has been 22 and a half years since my mother’s suicide in October 1987.  I look at that number – 22 – and it startles me.  It’s hard to believe that I have lived more of my life without my mother, than with her.  

During those first 10 years after her death I carried the heavy load of her suicide every waking moment.  I struggled with my own depression and feelings of abandonment and my anger spilled over and spread throughout my life, but in the 10^th year after her death something changed.  I took the first step of what would become the single most healing journey I made after her death.  In October 1997 I started making DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE, a documentary film (that was to eventually air on HBO) about my mother’s life and death and about how we (her family and friends) survived it.

My initial thought was to make a documentary about the grassroots suicide prevention movement that was growing out of the survivor community.  I thought I was doing just fine: I had survived a suicide and I might be able to help others.  Looking back, I see how naïve I was – I was not “fine” ten years after my mother killed herself, I was a mess! But in that moment, I thought I was a pillar of strength; as a result, I started videotaping family members and friends while talking to them about my mom.  A good friend volunteered to interview me for the project and suddenly I was making a film.

I interviewed my father and sister, my aunts and uncle, my grandmother, a cousin and my mom’s best friend.  I talked and talked about my mom and I asked questions:  Who was she? What was she like as a child?  As a wife?  As a young mother?  As a friend?  My father told me about her post-partum depression, my grandmother talked about her as a happy and precocious child, and her best friend told me how supportive and open she was as a friend.  I heard over and over what a GOOD friend she was, what a GOOD wife she was, what a GOOD child she was… despite the darkness that she struggled with. 

I began to understand what a wonderful woman my mother had been and started comparing the stories I was hearing with my own more recent memories of her depression and anger and eventual suicide.  That last year of her life, and her eventual suicide, blotted out much of the happiness I felt as a child but suddenly I was learning something new. I was asking questions and actually getting answers about all of her ups and downs.  Good memories were coming back and it felt like she was speaking to me through friends and family. I was finally in conversation with my mother!  It was exciting and devastating -- the loss of her hit me all over again and the load of her suicide grew heavier as I moved forward documenting her life.

Several times during the three years it took for me to make DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE, I thought about walking away from the project.  I lived my mother’s life and her death over and over again.  I was immersed in its depth and struggled for perspective.  I continued attending support groups and participating in the survivor community which was very helpful, but it was individuals outside that community (my family, friends, the documentary film community…) who recognized the importance of what I was doing who helped me get the film done. 

When DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE was released in early 2000 I was invited to be a guest on a few TV shows, I traveled to film festivals and it eventually premiered on HBO.  My pain, my family’s pain, was out there for everyone to see and it felt surprisingly good!  It was as if the making of the film released all of my demons.  My load was suddenly lighter despite the fact that my mom was still dead, still a suicide.  I’d stepped into her darkness and came out the other side brighter, happier and freer.

It has now been ten years since DAUGHTER OF SUICIDE was released into the world and I can see the impact it had on my life.  It allowed me to take time and really examine every part of my mother’s life: the good and the bad.  I was able to put everything under the microscope and focus on her -- I saw the flecks of dirt and the pretty, shiny stuff and I was able to integrate her suicide into my life.  I am no longer carrying the weight of it.  Her suicide is just another part of me… a part like everything else. All of those interviews, all of that talking and all of that learning allowed me to let go of my bitterness and anger.

When people ask my advice about how to cope with a suicide I tell them what worked for me: to talk and ask questions and talk some more.  Therapy - yes, support groups – yes, but most importantly – talk to the people who knew the person you lost.  Talk to them about who that person was.  Open a conversation with your lost one and talk until you can’t talk anymore.  That conversation, in my experience, will eventually set you free.

My mom has missed so many landmarks – college graduations, masters degrees, marriages and commitment ceremonies, five grandchildren (two of them mine) and even more small moments – hugs, kisses, smiles, and the daily ups and downs that make up our lives.  I still think about her on a daily basis and I wonder what life would have been like if she were still alive and if she knew my kids.  I feel the loss of her, but I don’t linger there; instead, I celebrate who she was and her impact on all of our lives.  I can’t wait for the day when my children are old enough to understand who their Grandma Bonnie was.  I want to share all of the wonderful memories that I have!

Dempsey Rice

Documentary Filmmaker

www.dempseyrice.com

Take all suicide threats seriously

There's a myth that people who talk about suicide won't actually do it, so many well-meaning people ignore them or accuse them of attention-getting or manipulation.

But it's important to remember that most people who commit suicide told at least one person about what they were thinking of doing. Take all suicide threats seriously. While you can't make choices for another person or force them to get help, let them know that you're there and that you'll support them in finding the help they need.

Who You Are Makes A Difference!

From the excellent and inspirational Mary Robinson Reynolds at www.makeadifference.com comes this project with the noble aim of helping to reduce suicide rates - a project close to my own heart:

"The power of acknowledgment is how something so simple can make such a big difference in someone's life on any given day.

Within a year after launching the Teddy Story, I became aware of the Blue Ribbon Story. It was actually through one of my newsletter subscribers, Robyn Swick, who is a friend of Helice that she and I were introduced. When Helice saw our Teddy Story movie, she was thrilled with the idea of having her Blue Ribbon story created in a flash movie so it could be available to everyone.

It is my hope that this story will make you stop and think about how important acknowledgement is and how easy it is to fail to acknowledge others who make a difference in our lives in small but important ways.

Acknowledgment says: You matter to me and I believe in you. It is a powerful and inexpensive way to heal our society. It begins with our children, our families and then extends out to the people living and working with us in our community.

Acknowledgment is easy to do, and yet we often rush by opportunities to do so.

Acknowledgment creates a ripple effect that can change attitudes, reinforce the positive, and have an impact far greater than we realize. It is a simple act that leaves a major impression upon those to whom the acknowledgement is given.

Each of us has this power, and it is important to remember to use it appropriately, often, and honestly both in business and in our personal lives. If you haven't had a chance, please watch our newest movie and then forward it on. It's about how a Blue Ribbon Ceremony created by an amazing woman by the name of, Helice "Sparky" Bridges, literally saved the life of a 14-year boy.

http://www.BlueRibbonMovie.com
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - Albert Schweitzer

As we were working on this movie, my attention one evening was drawn to a CBS news report about the increase in Veteran Suicides since 2000. Veteran Suicides show 44% increase: 2000 - 462 suicides / 2007 - 790 suicides.

When I was a high school guidance counselor in Wyoming over 20 years ago, we had a statewide "suicide watch" because there had been a sudden epidemic of suicides on the Indian reservations. I worked with many students that year who were on the verge of suicide. So, after hearing the news report I went out on the Internet and Googled "Wyoming Suicide Rate" to see if things had improved over the years and sadly found that Wyoming currently ranks fifth in the nation with a rate of 21.8 per suicides per 100,000 population, nearly double the national rate of 10.82. An average of one suicide is committed in Wyoming every four days, and suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students. January 2008


Then, just a few days ago, I found out that someone I know very well had attempted suicide just several weeks ago.

I don't normally offer statistics, but something about this movie is really speaking to me to "up" awareness... so here are just a few of the statistics that Helice gave me that I feel are relevant:


Adolescent Suicide: In the past 30 years adolescent suicide has increased 400%. (APP)

Self-Esteem: 2 out of every 3 Americans how low self-esteem. (Gallup Poll)

Crime: Every 17 seconds in the United States a child is arrested; children in the US are 10 times more likely to commit murder than comparable aged youths in Canada. (Center for Disease Control and Prevention)

School dropout rate: 30% of young people drop out of school before getting their high school diploma. (First 5 of California)

Negative Words: The average child hears 432 negative statements per day to only 32 positive statements. (Jack Canfield, self-esteem expert)

Psychological damage: 80% of people are hurt by words. Research shows that only about 20% of children and adults are able to handle put downs without emotional pain or psychological damage. (California Task Force for Personal and Social Responsibility)

Gossip: Workplace gossip is the clear winner. 60% of people in the workplace cited gossip as the No. 1 problem. (Staffing firm Randstad).


Now here's an excerpt from my newest book, Make A Difference with the Power of Connection Gift Book & DVD for Professionals & Parents ...

		"In 1979, at the age of 37, I was depressed and suicidal. It’s hard to say how such a feeling could happen to me. After all, I was brought up in a loving, nurturing and supportive home. My parents reminded me every day that I was their angel. They hugged me, laughed with me and listened to my dreams. They always told me that if I believed in my dreams and worked hard to get them, they would surely come true. I thought my entire life would be as happy as my childhood. "How could such a thought of suicide enter my mind? I adored my two sons and could never leave them. I had a very successful career and didn't long for money. I lived in a beautiful home and drove an expensive car. I lacked for nothing except the love of my husband. "I desperately wanted him to notice me, tell me that I was loved, that he thought I was beautiful. But that never happened. We were divorced in 1980. And that's when my life immediately changed for the positive. Instead of feeling like a victim, I reached out in my community to find kind, caring and proactive people who were making a difference. "In 1980, I found this loving world when I became volunteer co-chair for the San Diego Hunger Project. I'd never given a thought to volunteer for community service. But this was the fuel for my heart that I desperately needed. I served with generous and incredible people from every walk of life. We delivered food, clothes and support to people in need. People receiving the support would run to us in tears of joy. Nothing in the entire world could have felt better. "As co-chairperson, I was also a spokesperson for The Hunger Project. In 8 months I spoke to nearly 50,000 children and adults about doing something to end world hunger. Following my talk, people approached me and shared their hunger. Not for food, but for love. I realized that the pain of suicide and depression was epidemic. "I was fired up to give people the type of love my parents gave me. To do this, I founded Difference Makers International a non-profit organization creating communities that inspired children of all ages to reach their fullest potential. To help make that dream come true, I invented a simple, tangible and powerful "Who I Am Makes A Difference"® Blue Ribbon and 10-Step Acknowledgment Ceremony. This Ceremony gave people a way to authentically express appreciation, respect and love to their children, spouse, siblings, family, friends, colleagues everyone. "Between 1983 and 1993, I taught youth and adults how to present self-esteem programs in elementary, junior and senior high schools. I trained thousands of children, teachers and parents how to appreciate, encourage and respect one another. "In 1988, a teacher in New York honored every one of her high school students by placing a Blue Ribbon above their hearts. Then she invited her students to start a class project by honoring people throughout their community. Students honored their friends, family members, teachers - everyone. "One of these Blue Ribbons actually saved a 14 year-old boy from committing suicide. In 1993, the 'Who You Are Makes A Difference' story about the 14 year-old boy who did not commit suicide was published in the first "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book. In the year 2000, this story was made into a television movie that aired nationwide. Helice also co-wrote the 'Who I Am Makes A Difference'® song which was introduced by school children on ABC’s 20/20. Soon children and adults were honoring one another, creating a rippling effect. The combination of these events made it possible for millions of people throughout the world to see how a simple gesture of love and a Blue Ribbon could change a life forever. "Today I am proud to announce that this ceremony has now impacted the lives of over 30 million people worldwide and has been translated into 11 languages. It has averted teen suicide, eliminated bullying, built positive relationships among people, raised self-esteem, enhanced academic excellence and made dreams come true. In 2005, our organization won the Gandhi Nonviolence Award. "I am now Grammy Sparky to five glorious grand babies. It is my dream that you will become a steward of my dream to create a Blue Ribbon World for our children A Blue Ribbon over every heart in America by the year 2012 with no one left out. My mom and dad told me that dreams can come true…and I believe them. Thanks for making a difference with me."

For More information about Helice and to print out her "The Who I Am Makes A Difference® 10-Step Blue Ribbon System" go to: http://www.makeadifference.com/Merchant2/s_BK60.htm

In a minute or less, you can change the world! TOGETHER ...we can make a difference.

Please forward this movie - and the blue ribbon at the end - on to some one you care about today."

Reaching out to make a difference,
Mary Robinson Reynolds
Author and Founder of Heart Productions & Publishing

PS ... if you would like to subscribe to Mary's free newsletter go to: www.makeadifference.com/subscribe.htm

Wasted Youth campaign against suicide

In the Times newspaper recently, I was reading about a subject dear to my heart - the prevention of suicide. It's a UK charity called Wasted Youth and was set up by Daniel Fulvio to encourage young men to talk about their problems, after his younger brother killed himself on Christmas Eve 2006. "Suicide is the biggest single killer of young men, more than car accidents, more than drug abuse," he said. "There's this horrific ingrained assumption amongst young men that being silent is strong but it's dangerous and damaging and that's what I want to change."

"Steven's death was just an utter shock to everyone. He left no clue and no one knows why he did it. It eats away at all of us and it always will." Daniel's charity organized a series of concerts to raise funds in conjunction with charities already active in the field, including the Campaign Against Living Miserably; visit www.thecalmzone.net.

What are the warning signs?

Here's some useful information about what to look out for if you are worried that someone may be thinking of taking their own life. It comes from the Suicide Risk Assessment page of the Light Beyond's grief library:

What are the warning signs?

Suicide prevention experts have initiated a host of risk factors and signs to watch for when assessing the likelihood of suicide. Most experts agree that more times than not, suicide victims leave clues as to their intentions, often referred to as "cries for help." These clues can be giving away possessions, good-bye notes, comments like "You won't have me to kick around anymore" and violent drawings. In addition, a suicidal person may exhibit behavior changes such as:

• a change in appearance or hygiene
• change in appetite
• sleep disturbance
• change in work or school performance
• mood disturbance
• risky behavior, and
• pre-occupation with death.

If you are a friend or relative of a person you believe may be in trouble and contemplating taking his or her own life, it is wise to heed these warning signs and err on the side of caution. All too often we hear from family members or close friends the one sentence we hate to hear: "I didn't think he meant it."

The most important risk factors when assessing suicide

The professional tool utilized in suicide prevention is called a "risk assessment." A recent survey sent randomly to 500 practicing psychologists revealed their views of the most important risk factors in assessing suicide. They included, but are not limited to:

• the medical seriousness of previous attempts
• a history of suicide attempts
• acute suicidal ideation
• severe hopelessness
• attraction to death
• family history of suicide
• acute overuse of drugs or alcohol, and
• loss and separation.

Triggering events or situations may include medication issues and interactions, social triggers and events like the loss of a loved one, ostracism, divorce, trauma, anniversaries, media violence and change in employment status. If someone you know is talking about suicide and especially if he or she has a plan of how they might take their life, always let someone know. If you are concerned about someone you love, a good place to start is by talking to them and telling them that you care. Giving someone hope and letting them know they are loved goes a long way in helping suicidal people. Professional help is available through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

What else can you do if you are really worried about someone?

A very useful source of practical information, which is aimed at the suicidal themselves, is the Suicide: Read This First page. If you know of someone who is feeling suicidal, try to get them to read this page; it will only take about five minutes. For those of us trying to prevent suicide, it also contains Handling a call from a suicidal person, a very helpful ten-point list that you can print out and keep near your phone or computer, and What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal?

Remember: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

According to the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health, suicide is the ninth leading cause of death in the United States, and perhaps most tragically is the third leading cause of death among young people aged 15 to 24.

Before making an irrevocable choice, you owe it to yourself to talk about it with someone else. www.growthhouse.org/suicide.html is a useful resource I have just found. If this is relevant to you, please take five minutes to look at the resources and links they have to offer...

Suicide is not the only option...

For personal reasons, suicide prevention is enormously important to all of us here at The Light Beyond. So if you're reading this because you are thinking of killing yourself, then please STOP for a moment and take just five minutes to read this: www.metanoia.org/suicide